waiting at reagan international

don't let them get to you. these words, this repetition of mundane droning (i hold myself and move softly back and forth) which i whisper quietly to still the women in my head. "shhh. don't cry", i tell them and they don't listen. "you listen to me", they sternly speak in unison, then move off into their own arguments and i try to keep track: too many to ignore, too many to believe. i know you know. i know you hear yours, too. i wish i could help you. i wish i could teach you how i reach for just one at a time. most often one wins and she is dull and contemplative, like the dead eyes of the finch my cat brought home. i like her. she is easy to follow and she makes the others seem preposterous. i try to listen to only one and simply move beyond the others.

i am in a station, listening to a carefully spoken announcement, and i pass out of reach of the conversations around me. i know you know.

loveletter

love is a big fat wide-open sort of thing like ripping the top off one of those super size wholesale tubs of peanut butter and it's all smooth and perfect inside. smooth and perfect like the thirty foot arc of a boy pumping hard on a playground swing. swing me higher daddy. swing me higher.

you talkin' to me?

does it sound like you?


Don't bring me bad news, no bad news
I don't need none of your bad news today
You're a sad little boy, anyone can see you're just a sad little boy
That's why you're carrying on that way
Why don't you burn it all down, burn your own house down, burn your own house down
Try to kill your own disease
And leave the rest of us, there's a lot of us, leave the rest of us
Who wanna live in peace to live in peace

I'm gonna find me a man, love him so well, love him so strong, love him so slow
We're gonna go way beyond the walls of this fortress
And we won't be afraid, we won't be afraid, and though the darkness may come our way

We won't be afraid to be alive anymore
And we'll grow kindness in our hearts for all the strangers among us
Till there are no strangers anymore

Don't bring me bad news, no bad news
I don't need none of your bad news today
You can't have my fear, I've got nothing to lose, can't have my fear
I'm not getting out of here alive anyway
And I don't need none of these things, I don't need none of these things
I've been handed
And the bird of peace is flying over, she's flying over and
Coming in for a landing

Don't know what i'm doin' that for

It's a hell of a life
But its somebody's life
Up and down the street all day.
Yeah.

Ride, take a free ride,
Take my place
Have my seat
It's for free.


"Cat,

Just wanted to say I enjoyed having you along on the ride Sunday, hope you enjoyed it as well. Long ride with nice twisties and lots of scenery; what more could you ask for?

BTW……you make those leathers look good!

Have a good week and keep an eye out for next weekends ride schedule,

Dave"

I would bet he hasn't said that to the other guys who ride along with us. Guess I'm not one of the guys after all. Well, it was fun imagining I was for a while.

Left school with a first class pass,
Started work but as second class.
School taught one and one is two.
But right now, that answer just ain't true.

time and again

i met up with my old friend, roland last night. we hadn't sat and talked in a while. he left his job at dell corp a little over a year ago to start an insulation company. he's in that second year where the money runs out, but the business hasn't really taken off to the point where it can support him and he's struggling with the burden. he also found out a few months ago that a woman he dated for 3 weeks, about 3 years ago, has his twin daughters. they are two.

roland is one of the best friends i've ever had. he always hits on me a little when i see him, but he has been there for me time and again. many years ago, when i had no money and i lost my job, he gave me and my young children a place to stay for 2 months. during that time, he made coffee for me every morning, but never made a single pass at me. not even a hint.

i don't know how to help him right now, but i wish i could.

wonder if you're gonna be ok

It's like having two eyes. You either look through one eye or you look through the other. Or you look through both of them. Sex is sex. Love is love. Love and sex is clear vision.

hanging around camp

had a couple of days with intermittent internet. just got around to reading about pursuit.

couple of days ago lex was telling me it was the chase. he likes the chase. he likes his women a little hard to get. he says it's more fun that way, more romantic, more playful, sexy.

i thought about it and told him i don't work that way. i have to chase and mind-game every aspect of my life: work and teenagers and making ends meet. i told him sexy in my world is the having of it. for instance, actually getting off the plane and being somewhere else, actually eating the tomatoes i grew, actually using a jigsaw and a drill and a hammer and actually enjoying a man who just makes love to me all the time. don't fall into the trap of going for the easy interpretation here. i mean a man who wants to make love to my head and my strengths and my foolishness, too. a man who wants to fuck me, not fuck around with me.

you can call it romancing or fucking or making love... i would enjoy having all three, but the thing is, i don't get off on the the chase of it. i like the actual take it back to camp and enjoy of it.

otherwise, i would just rather do without. if it's the chase, then you're doing without, anyway.


on the same note, i saw lucinda at red rocks friday night. she looked tired and strung out and was holding a few more pounds. she looked how i felt. her voice was really about the best i've heard her, though, and i went down close and listened and drank way too much. might just be my eyes, but she seemed done with the chase, too.