3/19

you are looking for something but what the hell are you going to do with it? you have a good life, kurt. i have a good life. i like my life. i am not going to get in the middle of your family. i am still not over a single fucking thing that has ever happened between us. yes, everyday. maybe just a fleeting second and sometimes a thought in the back of my mind that goes on for days. but i am getting along just fine anyway. after 20 years, it is like the color of my eyes... i know what it is and it is a part of me but i don't think about it alot. it's just always there.
have your family. have your happy life and i will have mine. meet me in a city a couple of times a year for a couple of days. any city. it will be like when i came to minneapolis. maybe we will find that it is all in our imaginations and we can put it to rest. maybe we will find that we have something and a little is better than this crap we have been doing for so fucking long that it is indistinguishable from what we were born with.
yes, it is dishonest to ones we love but isn't it anyway? i'm with someone too, you know?

I stopped writing for years, and only really started again when I set up my blog. It was just therapy I suppose - it was like writing to you years ago, but I didn't get the feedback. I've never been able to figure out our relationship, if you can call it that, but I've never felt as comfortable with a person as I did with you. I said what I thought did what I did and what I wanted to do wrote wrote wrote read and read and you were interested - truly interested - I know that. I don't know what I'm looking for, you're correct. What if I find it? Fuck. I doubt if I'll recognize it. I don't feel old at all. I don't feel old but age/time is reality. I think about Minneapolis - why was that so special? I don't know, but it's a moment in my life that sort of owns itself. It's it's own little era. I have a good life. Not necessarily happy, but good. I love my son like I never imagined I could or would. He's a beautiful, sensitive and smart kid. I have a decent job and make decent money. We live in a nice house in a beautiful neighborhood. I'm a good citizen. Really. I'm not really me though. It's hard to explain, but I've been someone else for 18 years - I've been the person someone else wanted me to be. Unfortunately I haven't been that good at it. The only time I write in my blog is when I'm in a hotel for work, and I've spent months in hotels over the last few years. I'm sorry this has happened - I don't want you to jeopardize your happiness or that of your family. Do you know what really scares me? That 10 years from now I'll still be thinking about you every fucking day. It isn't an obsession, it's just as you described it - just a part of me like the color of my eyes. Always there. Since you're with someone maybe I shouldn't send anything to you. Tell me not to if that's better. Maybe a little is better than than the shit from the last 20 years.