I love it when I get all sappy like this.
I think I need a day off.
Friday, February 23, 2007
Thursday, February 22, 2007
now
i guess i feel better for saying those things. there. done.
i think it's interesting how little it takes of knowing someone to know how to make them feel good and how much more you can hurt someone when you know a depth of them.
i spent the past few months getting to know someone but not in a way where i was learning the negative, too. and so i was surprised when he knew how to hurt me. . and now i'm surprised (that's not the word... maybe stunned) that he says he didn't know it would hurt me.
regardless, there is no room for hurt in me these days. if it isn't good, i will turn away from it. it's not intention but necessity. there is no more room for pain in me. i don't mean to sound melodramatic but the fact is this last year hurt more and in more ways than i can deal with.
i make everything wonderful right now. it has to be.
i think it's interesting how little it takes of knowing someone to know how to make them feel good and how much more you can hurt someone when you know a depth of them.
i spent the past few months getting to know someone but not in a way where i was learning the negative, too. and so i was surprised when he knew how to hurt me. . and now i'm surprised (that's not the word... maybe stunned) that he says he didn't know it would hurt me.
regardless, there is no room for hurt in me these days. if it isn't good, i will turn away from it. it's not intention but necessity. there is no more room for pain in me. i don't mean to sound melodramatic but the fact is this last year hurt more and in more ways than i can deal with.
i make everything wonderful right now. it has to be.
Useless
I walk down to the railroad track and ride a rusty train
With a million other faces I shoot through the city veins
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye old friend
You wanted to be free
Somewhere beyond the bitter end is where I want to be
How the sky turns to fire against a telephone wire
And even I'm getting tired of useless desires
Patty Griffin
it's only a few more weeks til the year mark of all this and the lessons unlearned and the uglyness revealed and the sadness still deep. but i don't think i need an anniversary to make the words end.
With a million other faces I shoot through the city veins
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye old friend
You wanted to be free
Somewhere beyond the bitter end is where I want to be
How the sky turns to fire against a telephone wire
And even I'm getting tired of useless desires
Patty Griffin
it's only a few more weeks til the year mark of all this and the lessons unlearned and the uglyness revealed and the sadness still deep. but i don't think i need an anniversary to make the words end.
it wasn't
real.
and just like your desperate little words, you ain't real.
"I changed the tracks underneath the train so you can't find me again
And you can't trace my path, and you can't hear my laugh
I changed the tracks underneath the train"
cause i like my peace(train) and i'm not what you thought i was, either.
i'm real.
and just like your desperate little words, you ain't real.
"I changed the tracks underneath the train so you can't find me again
And you can't trace my path, and you can't hear my laugh
I changed the tracks underneath the train"
cause i like my peace(train) and i'm not what you thought i was, either.
i'm real.
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
i don't think you have. in fact the lie of it will disappear by morning.
i was driving home the long way today because i had to go by the bakery on the north end of boulder anyway but mostly i had to find something holding a bit of bliss. so i took 36 out to nelson. ernie called 'cuz he does that when i'm on my way home and i almost missed his call because i had the stereo up so loud and i answered the phone with a question: doesn't the baseline of hendrix's version of watchtower just make you feel like fucking? and he said where have you been all my life?
and i like to think he said that because he had thought that himself, but it was probably just because it sounded good. people will say anything for a bit of bliss.
i was driving home the long way today because i had to go by the bakery on the north end of boulder anyway but mostly i had to find something holding a bit of bliss. so i took 36 out to nelson. ernie called 'cuz he does that when i'm on my way home and i almost missed his call because i had the stereo up so loud and i answered the phone with a question: doesn't the baseline of hendrix's version of watchtower just make you feel like fucking? and he said where have you been all my life?
and i like to think he said that because he had thought that himself, but it was probably just because it sounded good. people will say anything for a bit of bliss.
i am
still in my pajamas
i am
fucking up my day
i am
thinking about the ways
i am
going to pay for how
i am
losing myself to this thing
i am
unable to get past.
i am
fucking up my day
i am
thinking about the ways
i am
going to pay for how
i am
losing myself to this thing
i am
unable to get past.
shiny new wedding ring
there ain't nothing to wait for.
no one's comin' out to fix those tracks. those tracks are so fucked up, in so many ways, ain't no point in going down them no more.
i'm not waiting on another twisted disaster. i think i might have learned from the last one.
"So I'll take two of what you're having and I'll take all of what you got..."
no one's comin' out to fix those tracks. those tracks are so fucked up, in so many ways, ain't no point in going down them no more.
i'm not waiting on another twisted disaster. i think i might have learned from the last one.
"So I'll take two of what you're having and I'll take all of what you got..."
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
all over again
i can already see how it's not going to go- how it's not going to work, i could see it the night we met and talked and drank iced tea for 4 hours while the snow fell fat outside the restaurant window on the city's streets. i had to drive 30 miles back home after he walked me to my car and the further north i went, the worse the roads were and i thought to myself, he's real nice- i would see him again and he called me and so it went.
last night in the dark he told me about her and how she fucked him over and how she would only talk about herself and he asked me what's that word? and i said narcisist? and he said yeah, that's it and that's how she was and how her daddy had money and in the beginning when they were both still married and she was trying to get him to leave his wife so she could leave her husband and she would pay $285 for a room they would only use three hours and how he was better at sneaking around than she was 'cuz her husband would somehow mysteriously find out when and where they were meeting and show up and she got mad because he wouldn't beat the shit out of her husband. he'd just wait in the car. and i told him about this guy of 20 years and i thought he was the one but he was fucking his wife when he said he wasn't and she got pregnant about the time he was sleeping with me and in the dark he said wow, that's even more fucked up than my story and i said yeah it was pretty bad and he said don't worry this summer is going to be better than the last and i thought how will he know? and i thought how could it not be?
last night in the dark he told me about her and how she fucked him over and how she would only talk about herself and he asked me what's that word? and i said narcisist? and he said yeah, that's it and that's how she was and how her daddy had money and in the beginning when they were both still married and she was trying to get him to leave his wife so she could leave her husband and she would pay $285 for a room they would only use three hours and how he was better at sneaking around than she was 'cuz her husband would somehow mysteriously find out when and where they were meeting and show up and she got mad because he wouldn't beat the shit out of her husband. he'd just wait in the car. and i told him about this guy of 20 years and i thought he was the one but he was fucking his wife when he said he wasn't and she got pregnant about the time he was sleeping with me and in the dark he said wow, that's even more fucked up than my story and i said yeah it was pretty bad and he said don't worry this summer is going to be better than the last and i thought how will he know? and i thought how could it not be?
Sunday, February 18, 2007
how deep IS the ocean?
thoughts that occured to me this week:
1) i really enjoy going fast and i don't have to be driving.
2) this principle where i trust people until they give me a reason not to isn't working. perhaps i should operate on the theory most people use: make people earn my trust and be suspicious until they do. (however, where the first theory frequently has unpleasant consequences, the second one would make me want to die if i lived it.)
3) you get a lot more attention when you're "hard to get", whether you're playing or not.
4) life is being very good to me these days.
5) the sky can be incredibly blue when it wants to be.
6) i am excited for the day when i can live in a tiny place with only one towel in the bathroom and one piece of furniture in any room.
7) i'm slipping.
1) i really enjoy going fast and i don't have to be driving.
2) this principle where i trust people until they give me a reason not to isn't working. perhaps i should operate on the theory most people use: make people earn my trust and be suspicious until they do. (however, where the first theory frequently has unpleasant consequences, the second one would make me want to die if i lived it.)
3) you get a lot more attention when you're "hard to get", whether you're playing or not.
4) life is being very good to me these days.
5) the sky can be incredibly blue when it wants to be.
6) i am excited for the day when i can live in a tiny place with only one towel in the bathroom and one piece of furniture in any room.
7) i'm slipping.
Friday, February 16, 2007
friday night.
in the world of dating, there are compromises that must be made in order to preserve general feelings of good will and future interaction. some of these compromises require putting aside one's sense of taste and artistic appreciation and adopting a resolute will to hold down one's dinner while sitting for an hour and some odd minutes in the AMC monsterplex. more popcorn, please.
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
over a girl
he asked me if i have ever tried to kill myself.
no one has asked me that out of the blue without my having led them there, so i knew he must have.
over a girl, he said.
i think i have to worry more about being careful than whether he will be and it feels like oxygen at altitude.
no one has asked me that out of the blue without my having led them there, so i knew he must have.
over a girl, he said.
i think i have to worry more about being careful than whether he will be and it feels like oxygen at altitude.
Monday, February 12, 2007
Fuck you. (still)
GODDAMN LONELY LOVE
I got green and I got blues
and everyday there's a little less difference between the two.
So I belly-up and disappear.
Well I ain't really drowning 'cause I see the beach from here.
I could take a Greyhound home but when I got there it'd be gone
along with everything a home is made up of.
So I'll take two of what you're having and I'll take all of what you got
to kill this goddamn lonely, goddamn lonely love.
Sister, listen to what your daddy says.
Don't be ashamed of things that hide behind your dress.
Belly-up and arch your back.
Well I ain't really falling asleep; I'm fading to black.
You could come to me by plane, but that wouldn't be the same
as that old motel room in Texarkana was.
So I'll take two of what you're having and I'll take all of what you got
to kill this goddamn lonely, goddamn lonely love.
Stop me if you've heard this one before:
A man walks into a bar and leaves before his ashes hit the floor.
Stop me if I ever get that far.
The sun's a desperate star that burns like every single one before.
And I could find another dream,
one that keeps me warm and clean
but I ain't dreamin' anymore, I'm waking up.
So I'll take two of what you're having and I'll take everything you got
to kill this goddamn lonely, goddamn lonely love.
I got green and I got blues
and everyday there's a little less difference between the two.
So I belly-up and disappear.
Well I ain't really drowning 'cause I see the beach from here.
I could take a Greyhound home but when I got there it'd be gone
along with everything a home is made up of.
So I'll take two of what you're having and I'll take all of what you got
to kill this goddamn lonely, goddamn lonely love.
Sister, listen to what your daddy says.
Don't be ashamed of things that hide behind your dress.
Belly-up and arch your back.
Well I ain't really falling asleep; I'm fading to black.
You could come to me by plane, but that wouldn't be the same
as that old motel room in Texarkana was.
So I'll take two of what you're having and I'll take all of what you got
to kill this goddamn lonely, goddamn lonely love.
Stop me if you've heard this one before:
A man walks into a bar and leaves before his ashes hit the floor.
Stop me if I ever get that far.
The sun's a desperate star that burns like every single one before.
And I could find another dream,
one that keeps me warm and clean
but I ain't dreamin' anymore, I'm waking up.
So I'll take two of what you're having and I'll take everything you got
to kill this goddamn lonely, goddamn lonely love.
Sunday, February 11, 2007
safer
i met a nice guy a couple of weeks ago and we had dinner. i went out of town for five days and he called me every day. we had dinner again last night. he's not the one but he's nice and he likes me. if i wanted to, i could call him in the middle of the night and he would answer, and probably be happy to hear from me.
he's a mechanic. his hands are strong and thick and all cut up. there's a thin line of black oil around each shortly cut nail. he said he can't feel things with his hands anymore after years of working them so hard, but later, he said my hair felt soft. he wants to put better headlights on my honda, like audi's have, so i'll be safer. he's an audi mechanic.
he's a mechanic. his hands are strong and thick and all cut up. there's a thin line of black oil around each shortly cut nail. he said he can't feel things with his hands anymore after years of working them so hard, but later, he said my hair felt soft. he wants to put better headlights on my honda, like audi's have, so i'll be safer. he's an audi mechanic.
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