Within a couple hundred yards

of our house...

this is what we

have to remind us

that it's good to be alive.

Play

Cat and I went walking this morning...
and we enjoyed it so much...
that we went out walking again...
this afternoon.

Lunch

Miso soup
Seaweed and cucumber salad
Spicy Hamachi roll w/ salmon roe
Hamachi sushi (2 pieces)
Here, just around the block from my office,

but all the while i was thinking of sitting in an igloo chewing fur boots.

River

He tried hard to help me
You know, he put me at ease
And he loved me so naughty
Made me weak in the knees
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I'm so hard to handle
I'm selfish and I'm sad
Now I've gone and lost the best baby
That I ever had
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I wish I had a river so long
I would teach my feet to fly
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I made my baby say goodbye

Joni Mitchell

heart worms

i haven't stopped moving for six days.
while i sleep, nautical miles pass by,
deep sea sleep moves over my eyelids
and when i wake, i am somewhere. nowhere
i have been before. on land, we shuffle along.
numbers, hometowns, occupations define us,
not names. i have no name that translates:
catalina del norte. cattle call and we move again,
take in the sights (zapata slept here.) dogs lick them-
selves under small palms with bits of plastic
blown in their hair. eaten from the inside out,
their hearts chewed apart, not like mine,
not figuratively. moving again, rock-a-bye
baby sleep with me. sleep and i will hold
your hesitant half-smile in the palms
of my hands.

Cruises

Suck.

If I didn't have my kids here, I would drink my way through the next 4 days. Of course it would cost me about a hundred dollars a day. Even with those two deterents, I am still seriously considering it as an alternative to throwing myself overboard.

What I wouldn't give to get laid.

on the good ship lollypop

cruise ship observations:

people on cruises eat too much

people cruise in pairs, couples, tandem

people are unpleasant no matter how pleasant their surroundings

example

trepidation

driving back from the company function. a dozen people who do what i do and a couple of people above them buying them $27 entrees, wine and cocktails. that kind of thing. long day. 15 hours in my favorite black suit. not one of the other 3 black suits hanging in the closet. i called cat on my way home and she asked should she have a few drinks lined up for me. it's a long drive. an hour. and there was the gift exchange. i got a sid vicious action figure and a starbucks gift card. there's your dichotomy.

i drove home thinking about razor blades and guard rails.

but when i got home i read about a dream i had. kisses first time like long held lovers. mouth on mouth after a short absence felt like forever. don't you know? just the words are so closer to real than escape.

john

when i was 15, one of the high school jocks, a senior, asked me to prom. i had just got my braces off, figured out what to do with my curley hair and i was working, so i had some decent clothes. but i think i got his attention because he could tell i was alone. he was 4 years older than me and knew everything, where i had yet to be taught. he would only beat me up if i didn't want to have sex or i told him i wanted to break up. after the first couple of months, that only happened every three or four months. i had 4 abortions in 2 years because pills made me so sick, i would throw them up. i always had bruises, usually just fingerprints around my throat because i got those even if i didn't do anything wrong. my mother says she didn't know, but i had my nose broken and the side of my face purple more than once. i think maybe she didn't want to know. after i graduated, i disappeared. i quit my job, packed my stuff up and went to stay with a friend who's family had moved to another part of the state. i made sure no one knew where i was because he always found me. he got bored and found some other girl. i got over it.

Practice

makes perfect.

iously.

mint chocolate chip.

Lost comes in so many flavors.
So does love.

Nightmares

When people ask- and it isn't very often anymore- I tell them I joined the army to see the world or fulfill some sense of civic duty. Neither of which is true. I joined the army so I could support this guy while he went to school. He got out the week I went in.

This picture was taken on Halloween, 1984, just a few weeks before I started basic training. Mark was a Ranger. He was 6'3" and could run jump climb make love laugh like a greek god. He had also seen combat in Grenada, sat in a hole all night with one of his best buddies, dead. He had nightmares, but he lived life bigger than anyone I ever met, before or since. He was the first man who was good to me. He did more for my sense of worth than anyone I've known. Looking back, I know he loved me. After I was in the army for 6 or 8 months, it became clear that Mark had things to take care of and being with me was not the highest on the list, so I broke off our engagement. I got married to someone else 6 weeks later and then Mark went back in the army. Within a year, he was broadsided while riding a motorcycle. He spent several weeks in a coma and has been in a wheelchair ever since. He has a wife and daughter and he's an attorney. We still email and sometimes talk. He's unhappy in his marriage, feels like he's searching for something and tells me I was his one true love.

And many times when I wake in the night and can't get back to sleep, I remember his nightmares and wonder what the fuck is wrong with this world.

because of where you hold your hand

i would love to feel,
to know, your puritan tendency.
table, floor, chair, abyss,
dove-tailed, the pieces find their
kindness (it doesn't hurt-til you make it hurt)
in a sturdy construct of quaker love.
smooth, marbled wood, grain fine as powder,
soft to touch as a woman's peace,
make a place at her breast to stay
a long slow time. on through to the other
side, imagine a way that is not. a road
less travelled, never cut, never cleared
waits for the culmination
of no expectation.

gift

Comes a time
when you're driftin'
Comes a time
when you settle down
Comes a light
feelin's liftin'
Lift that baby
right up off the ground.
Oh, this old world
keeps spinning round
It's a wonder tall trees
ain't layin' down
There comes a time.
N. Young

Ice

Boulder is a town with a lot of money. Downtown are upscale shops, attorneys, architectural firms and nearly every investment firm in the U.S. Boulder also has a laid back, casual attitude and dress code which means if you see a man in a suit he is absolutely, without a doubt, a stock broker. Today I was downtown sitting at a light adjacent to a beautiful new business building which has a small, seasonal ice rink in its plaza. There was a man skating comfortably around the ice with the ease you see in a hockey player. He had his hands in his pockets and he was wearing a very large halloween type afro wig as well as a nicely tailored business suit. It was below freezing, but he looked content. He must have been on his lunch hour.

It made me feel so alone. I watched him skate and I was struck with the realization that I need to find some company. I need a little sweetness beyond what my kids and friends offer. It is time for me to find a man to have dinner and a show and perhaps a romp with on a Friday night. This martyr shit needs to stop. I 'm not asking for much: time or effort or qualities. I don’t care what he looks like or does for a living. I don’t care what he weighs or how tall he is. He doesn’t need to have much time or money or social finesse. I would require a certain level of personal hygiene, I suppose. How hard could it be to find someone with a reasonable level of intelligence and a sense of humor? And he has to be kind. Above all, I really need kind. In fact forget the other stuff. I just need to find a man to spend a few hours a week with me, who enjoys my company. Right now that seems so far away.

ART

PERHAPS THIS THEORY IS WHY I AM SO UNLUCKY! help
i don't believe those people who say "i love you" when i know what they really mean is "i need you to love me". i have never loved someone because i needed it back from them, because i wouldn't love them if they didn't love me the same way. in my mind, love doesn't work that way. love is not something you take from a person. it does not go along with expectation of return. love is not like christmas presents. it is not an even-dollar-value gift exchange. it is more like a birthday present. it is a personal celebration of someone's existence, no strings attached. and the miracle is when it is independently equal and reciprocal

lucky

my new job is amazing.
i guess what i lack in luck in some areas, i make up for in others. and in this case i am very lucky. i wonder what i would choose if i had a choice: lucky in love or lucky in work. i am lucky in parenthood, i am not unlucky in money. i am lucky in cholesteral and lucky in curly hair. i am lucky in social skills and not unlucky in cats. i am unlucky with other pets, however. i am also very, very unlucky in love. i believe i am actually cursed.

nineteen eighty five

i couldn't look at it anymore.

Today

I was introduced to my office. I have a fucking amazing office with a fucking amazing view of the Pearl Street Mall and courthouse. I share an administrative assistant, Sally, with a couple of other people who wear suits and permanent, professional smiles. They are all happy to meet me. We share Sally as if she were a bag of bagels. Sally, like most of the people on the floor has a small cluttered cubicle. In it she has stacks of files and a souvenir mug from her last vacation and family pictures in magnetic frames stuck to cabinets because there is no room on her desk. I will have portraits of my family in stylish frames and tropical plants and I will keep the blinds half-way up. This is how the other few offices like mine are arranged. I have a lot of desk. I have a lot of space. I have a fucking parking pass in downtown Boulder. I have a lot of nerve.

until it's too late.

Once there was a way to get back homeward
Once there was a way to get back home
Sleep pretty darling do not cry
And I will sing a lullabye

but i'm slow to catch on

It was raining from the first
And I was dying there of thirst
So I came in here
And your long-time curse hurts
But what's worse
Is this pain in here
I can't stay in here
Ain't it clear that--

I just can't fit
Yes, I believe it's time for us to quit

It doesn't take a genius...

Well since she put me down I've been out doin' in my head
Come in late at night and in the mornin' I just lay in bed

Well, Rhonda you look so fine
And I know it wouldnt take much time
For you to help me Rhonda
Help me get her out of my heart

Dexter and his new friend

making pies

I drove Catherine down to spend the day with her family. I baked a pecan pie for Martin to take to his cousin's. We could have gone to either, but as Hal put it, "Thanksgiving is about being thankful and I would be a lot more thankful if we could just stay home."
So, the kids and I baked an apple pie and we're grilling T-bones for Thanksgiving. The boy is a genius.


You could cry or die
Or just make pies all day
I'm making pies
Making pies

Patty Griffin

Toulouse and his new friends.

Singles

is a 2 disc compilation of just that from the lifetime of New Order. On it, there is the original recording of Temptation from the early eighties. I have the 87 version in a few different places. I hadn't heard this early version in a very long time. It was given to me on a mix tape and like a dream, I can remember exactly where I was when I first heard it. In Puerto Rico there was a beach club for officers and although I wasn't an officer, I was a girl and military so they would let me in to sunbathe. Right there, I first heard that song on headphones through a Walkman cassette player. Every time I heard that song after that, I would think of looking up through wind tossed palm fronds at a crystal sky: an unreal blue-green-grey like eyes I knew I had seen before. I played that tape 'til it busted and after that I only had the later version.

I just bought Singles this week to listen to while I slept on the couch. I find that now when I hear that song I have a different image. I think of sitting in a near empty bar of dark wood to escape a sweltering afternoon and those same eyes telling me it could be real.

infection

there's a song where she wishes she could run away to some town but for me i always associated that town with where that girl is. i've never been to that town, but i lived there an awful long time.

don williams is a classic country singer/songwriter. there's nothing odd or extraordinary about this man but he wrote a stunning amount of songs and i like him. he wrote tulsa time but i was thinking of another song.

when i was 9 or 10, i loved a different song. it's about being lost and vulnerable and someone helping you without taking advantage of you.

and i don't know anymore how all these connect.

right here

pull it together, girl

well folks, it's been fun, but it looks like life, as i have had the pleasure of knowing it over the past year or so, is coming to an end. on the 27th of this month i start my new job. the seasons have already initiated the end of mid-week motorcycle rides, amateur, small-scale farming and barefoot living. now, i am transitioning back to high heels, business suits, manicures and 30-minutes-or-less meal ideas. crap. i need to find a ride home from school for my son on bad weather days and i already called the people who will clean the house every other week. i've bought new make-up, panty hose and nail polish. i have a stack of clothes for the cleaners and i'm trying to squeeze in appointments for things i won't have time to do later.

i know i'm lucky that, especially being a woman, i live in a society where i can earn a living. there are so many places where i would not be able to read or handle money or make decisions regarding my or my family's welfare. i am lucky, even in this country, with the amount of control i have over my family's destiny. when i told martin my starting salary at this new job, he told me he worked as an engineer for 15 years before he made that much. i guess that was a few years ago, but still, i am very fortunate.

so, i will put my toes in pointy shoes, clean the dirt out from under my nails and head back to downtown, corporate america and i will be grateful.

are you done?

we were talking about love and different situations involving love. my 13 year old son had been listening to the conversation. i think we were wondering what to do about love when he said, "love is like presents. it's best to just say thanks and move on."
i think that is a very fair summation of the experience. and just this morning, i found two more situations where this approach has proved useful: breakfast and friendship. men can be so much more insightful, and concise, than women.

in all fairness, though, i had two different conversations with a woman and a man last week regarding the question of how can a woman tell if a man is in love with her. my conversation with the man never really yielded an answer, but my conversation with the woman was short and succinct. you can think a man is in love with you when he's not, but if you have to ask, then he's definately not.

facts:

it hurts when i breathe
gumbo tastes better the second day
possession (new order) sounds like home
the "singles" are all i have or need
my doctor has not yet called in my new prescription
it hurts when i blink, swallow, turn, try
comfort waves at me from the kitchen, then hides
i should paint the upstairs hallway before i pick up my kids
i am drowning in these sounds of a small island (a key) surrounded by an ocean of a small brown mailer which contains these sounds on a tape

"seems like i've been here before... won't you show me, please show me the way"

i could go on but these small sounds tell the story for me

i got

the job

charlotte juliet antonia spider

this was a very cool thing that Payusa and I got to see yesterday:

about a girl

we first noticed little CJAS about a week ago and she has almost doubled in size. no wonder. she is very beautiful. it's good to be a girl.

blow

after being sick for a month i finally went to the doctor today. what started as a nasty flu import blossomed into a nasty infection. no wonder my head aches to explode. no wonder i have a fever. no wonder the world is a dali painting. on my way home i stopped at the butcher's and bought a big hunk of braunschweiger (liverwurst) and then i stopped and bought fishsticks and tater tots. starve a cold, feed an exploding head. i have antibiotics and some other prescription that is green and white. word is i'm gonna pull through.
the wind is howling and hot.
dorothy, who i love very much, is teaching me to knit. dorothy is retired and knits baby caps for the newborns at the hospital, among other things. i am trying to make a scarf. we spent 3 hours yesterday morning laughing hysterically and i got about 5 inches into it. i am extremely proud of this little piece of work.
i had a second interview yesterday for a job i really want. i think it went well.
that wind is going to make me lose my mind.

so many kinds of blue

beautiful

conversations lately have me pondering the question of what people need and what they want and are there really differences between what he needs and what she needs from the one they look to. i don't think the differences are great. we need approval. we need to be something amazing and wonderful and life giving to the person we give our lives to. he does and she does. and we need to hear it and feel it without asking. and it can't come back handed or with conditions. and sometimes it comes as silent approval and sometimes it comes as an unsolicited verbal acknowledgement. maybe she needs to hear the positive critique more and maybe he needs to not have to listen to the negative critique more. but i think we all need a little less crap.
i spent half my adult life in a relationship where i was not good enough. i wasn't smart enough or pretty enough or capable enough. i worked a couple of jobs while i earned academic scholarships, took care of his grandmother, brought his children into the world and deflected the flirtations of my peers. the most disgusting thing i could think of during those years was letting that man fuck me. he told me i was frigid. i had a problem. and it made it ok for him to sleep with whomever he wanted. which made him more disgusting. truth is, i prefer to make love more often than i shower and i really like showers.
i think we all need to feel like the one we love thinks we are the bomb, that we just do it for that person. of course it takes an investment to find out what makes someone else feel that way. it will most certainly be different than what makes us feel that way. i think we should all have someone who dreams about us, hopes for us, lives to share bodily fluids with us. i think it is a beautiful vicious circle where making someone feel that way makes them want to make you feel that way.
that's what i think.

is the past closer than the future?

four years and ten months ago is not so far. january 1, 2002. we stood on the back porch. it was not too cold to shoot fireworks over the field. the kids and their parents raised a toast and all sipped cherry 7-up from champagne flutes.
four years and ten months from now is not so far. september 1, 2011. kisses goodbye and they'll both be away to universities. tell me where i'll be.

cut

my hair today.

looks like about five inches gone. maybe i'll color it, too, just for good measure. then, i could always straighten it. or not

only a woman would make a post like this.

Secret Life

"Sir, more than kisses, letters mingle souls; for, thus friends absent speak”

“Be thine own palace, or the world's thy jail”

"Wicked is not much worse than indiscreet."

(two from Donne plus one more)

but i don't

want to go there.
and i don't want to do that.
and i don't want to talk about it.

i feel sick

Bomb in Baghdad Slum Kills 31
October Death Toll for U.S. Forces Climbs to 100
By CHRISTOPHER BODEEN, AP

kiss

but i don't

so you think you can tell...

some men think they might like a woman who loves
fucking and motherhood
motorcycles and gardening
sick poetry and sweet talk
dogs and cats
alleyways and dirt roads
talking dirty and getting dirty
guinness and merlot
goodbye and hello
sleeping naked and making dinner
venice and bayou la batre
razor blades and kissing boo boos
a career and a pantry
blow jobs and holding hands
garter belts and thick socks
mascara and homework
but really they call this a handful and it's a pain in the ass.

weight

big fat wet
crystaline globs are attacking my trees.
only two are vulnerable.
the pair of ash still have their leaves.
they fill and bow under the burden, inches
thick. it piles up and bends them over.
i woke this morning to find them
splayed open, from the top down.
they could crack under the weight.
i went out there with a rake,
trying to release them. up on my toes,
i reached as high as i could.
i lifted each branch,
gave it a shake. thick wet snow tumbled
down onto me, all around me, rested on lower
branches.

those two trees... they are the last
to find their leaves in the spring
and they hold them late, too.

countless

Oh I do believe
In all the things you say
What comes is better than what came before

And you'd better come come, come come to me

Lou Reed

i'll never forget calling and calling, lying on the floor crying. i got the point, eventually, and i scraped together some little bit of dignity and i began to move on. in one sense, i did a fine job of going away and in another i never really let it go. i need to do that again, now. it is not easy. i think i like the parts where i never really let go.
a couple of nights ago i did that desperate thing again, where i just dialed and dialed. there was no reply, no note or sign. it's obvious i need to go away. after i stopped the foolishness and turned out the light, i had a dream. it was a dream of such sweetness and innocence. it was pure and clean and delightful. i have played it over in my mind countless times.
i will play it over in my mind.

glitter and doorbells

you have to be pretty messed up, i guess, for normal to be so important.

last night was homecoming and my daughter's first date. she was beautiful and her date was nervous and it all seemed so normal that i was stunned. and grateful.

sad little druggy pop band

I always thought that I knew
I'd always have the right to
Be living in the kingdom of the good and true
and so on

but now I think how I was wrong
And you were laughing along
And now I look a fool for thinking you were on
my side

Is it any wonder I'm tired
Is it any wonder that I feel uptight
Is it any wonder I don't know what's right
Keane

Faerie rings

The equinox has done its thing and the faeries are heading undergound. I have been baking like a lunatic: apple crisp, zuchini bread, oat bran muffins, tollhouse cookies, just to name a few. It's comforting. It's warm and sweet.
I changed the oil in the Z a couple weekends ago, but I've only had her out once since. I was horrified to find there were cobwebs on the mirror. I am afraid of her, or me. Instead I've been walking a lot and back to yoga. I've been to three movies this month which is more than I've been to in the previous year or two. I think I am in a funk.
I want to curl up somewhere quiet, in the desperate autumn sun. I want to hear my name whispered and feel cool, quivering fingertips against my temples. I want to be lied to. I want to be told that it will all work out. It will all be ok. I want that want, that addictive, sweetly serious want. Instead, I resist. I am so fucked.

This

This calling
This burden
This falling
The world's turning

This What I thought I knew
This What I thought was true
Eno

hard to get enough

Tell the truth, explain to me
How you got this need for speed
She laughed and said, "It might just be
The next best thing to love."
Hope is gone and she confessed
When you lay your dream to rest
You can get what's second best
But it's hard to get enough

David Wilcox
"Eye of the Hurricane"


yes, everyone needs to be loved every minute of every day, but there are lots of kinds of love.

and there are a lot of people on this planet, dying every day, because they do not get what they need.

Surfers

"I don't mind the sun sometimes, the images it shows"


I am telling myself that it is human nature to try and hurt someone who is hurting you. That it is normal to try and find a way to hurt them that is similar to what they are doing to you: teach them a lesson. I am trying to convince myself that there is nothing wrong with me for unconsciously doing this and that just because I realize it later, I should not feel guilty for it. Afterall, I am not doing anything that isn't being done to me. Humanity is a higher life form, my ass. Yep, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

again

it's raining again. raining again. you again. you are the fucking rain. it's fucking raining again. fucking you. it's raining you. again. fucking raining. you are raining. fucking again.

the only one

"You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? Then who the hell else are you talkin' to? You talkin' to me? Well I'm the only one here."

Green

In the garden, moist earth beneath my feet,
I curl tiny tendrils around a wire.
“Stay there little one,” I whisper and push
Green wisps through holes. “Hold tight.”
Five pointed stars in school bus yellow
Open and wait while older sisters curl up tight
Around secrets. I look for fruit. I wait
For the fruit to tell me, “It’s your turn. The time is here.”
But the time is always now and the time I wait for
Never arrives. Yellow tomatoes, yes, but time,
Time never ripens, never sweetens.

We made the trellis out of several things:
Twist-ties and black plastic mesh, long, slender rough-hewn
Sticks and white metal curls. The vines grew higher
Than we anticipated and so we added to our support
Every few days to accommodate. We reinforced
To hold the weight.
“Taste this,” I told her. “We grew this in the dirt.”
Green, all green, everything is still green, but time
Will change that. Wait.
I wait.

Where'd you go?
I miss you so
Seems like its been forever
that you've been gone

She said somedays I feel like shit
Somedays I wanna quit
and just be normal for a bit
I don't understand why you have to always be gone
I get along but your trips always feel so long
And I find myself trying to stay by the phone
Because your voice always helps to not feel so alone
But I feel like an idiot, working my day around a call
And when I pick up I don't have much to say,
so I want you to know it's a little fucked up that
I'm stuck here waiting, at times debating
Telling you that I've had it with you...
Where'd you go?
I miss you so
Seems like its been forever
that you've been gone

Fort Minor

Petula

When you're alone and life is making you lonely
You can always go - downtown.
When you've got worries all the noise and the hurry
Seems to help
I know - downtown.
Just listen to the music of the traffic in the city
Linger on the sidewalk where the neon signs are pretty
How can you lose?
The lights are much brighter there
you can forget all your troubles
Forget all your cares
so go - downtown
Things will be great when you're - downtown
No finer place for sure - downtown
Everything's waiting for you - downtown.
Don't hang around and let your problems surround you
There are movie shows - downtown.
Maybe you know some little places to go to where they never close -
downtown.
Just listen to the rhythm of a gentle bossa nova
You'll be dancing with 'em too before the night is over happy again.
The lights are much brighter there
you can forget all your troubles
Forget all your cares
so go - downtown
Where all the lights are bright - downtown
waiting for you tonight - downtown
you're gonna be alright now


And you may find somebody kind to help and understand you
Someone who is just like you
and needs a gentle hand to guide them along.
So maybe I'll see you there
we can forget all our troubles
Forget all our cares
so go - downtown
Things will be great when you're - downtown
don't wait a minute more - downtown
Everything is waiting for you -
downtown

always, forever and after

"And happiness I've known proves that it's right"

"Right" being relative and all that.

Too much time in the car. Too many of the same songs over and over. Too much drama as of late. It could always be worse. It could be a war that seperates us. No chance of catching a plane for the weekend there. It could be the first world war. No email, no cell phones and a couple of weeks for a letter to get through. Hell, one of us could be reading a letter from the other and not even know the other had already died or run off with a french country girl or that guy from high school who couldn't serve because his brother had chopped off three of his toes with an axe when he was ten.

Yup, could always be worse.

I know a lot of divorced guys with two or even three kids. My ex-husband has two kids and HE'S divorced. See, it can happen. Look at Kevin Federline! K-Fed had a tiny tot and another on the way when he realized that Brittany was the only one for him. See! And the happiness they've known certainly proves that it's right.

Oh yeah, could always be worse.

like disneyland

HELIX
giggle
taste
dream
binj
lick
cry
kiss
drink
wait
smile
hold
forget
go
down
slow
have

lock gaze find prove imbibe lose remember
please

track 12

I wish I was a fisherman
tumblin' on the seas
far away from dry land
and it's bitter memories
castin' out my sweet line
with abandonment and love
no ceiling bearin' down on me
save the starry sky above
with light in my head
with you in my arms...

I wish I was the brakeman
on a hurtlin fevered train
crashin head long into the heartland
like a cannon in the rain
with the feelin of the sleepers
and the burnin of the coal
countin the towns flashin by
and a night that's full of soul
with light in my head
with you in my arms...

And I know I will be loosened
from the bonds that hold me fast
and the chains all around me
will fall away at last
and on that grand and fateful day
I will take thee in my hand
I will ride on a train
I will be the fisherman
With light in my head
You in my arms...

Light in my head
You in my arms...

How Long?

I should be careful not to be too hurt and say things I don't really mean.
Three years, I think that should do it.

Actions vs. Words

"You're right, this is insanity - I can't keep doing this. I have to be there for the baby.

I'm going back to Richmond."

That's what he said.

So maybe he should stop fucking with my head for a while and do that, if that's what he wants to do. I am not a game. What he is doing with me is not love. Love does not feel like what he is doing to me.

must be a new spell

What is that sound
Where is it coming from
All around
What are you running from
Something you don't understand
Something you cannot command

That's how I know
She's got a new spell
Yes, that's how I know
That she's got a new spell

What's going down
Who's moved this room from round me
Where has it gone
I fear this night will drown me
So I lie awake all night
'Cos I can't sleep with something I can't fight

The laws of gravity are very, very strict
And you're just bending them for your own benefit

One minute she says
She's gone to get the cat in
The next thing I know
She's mumbling in Latin
She cut the stars out of the sky
And baked them in a pie

That's how I know
She's got a new spell
Yes, that's how I know
That she's got a new spell

She stole the scene and scenery
The script and the machinery

That's how I know
She's got a new spell
Yes, that's how I know
That she's got a new spell

Billy Bragg

Truly, Deeply, Everly

where were you last night?

i was here. whatever.
richard thompson at chautauqua. i guess it's the third or fourth time i've seen him. he did the popular favorites and a lot of new stuff which was great and so it goes.

She’s thrown a net on me
Razor wire geometry
She said it was Destiny

not far

this is the truth.
this is the day.
walk with me a little while.
hold my hand.
it's not far.
sit here where it's cool and the grass is soft.
the shade will soothe your eyes.
do you hear water?
do you hear children?
they are your children,
they are my children,
and our children's children.
we can sit and listen
while they play.
this is the truth.
this is the day.

Give it a fucking rest.

I guess I should, too.

Again

Well it’s empty and ugly and terribly sad
I can’t feel what you feel but I know it feels bad
I know that its real and it makes you so mad
You could cry

Cry if you want to I won’t tell you not to
I won’t try and cheer you up
I'll just be here if you want me; to be
Near you

Holly Cole

Richmond

Don't wanna see you again or hold your hand
Cause you don't really love me you're not my man
You're not my man oh you're not my man
Go back to Greenville just go on back to Greenville

You scream and shout and you make a scene
When you open your mouth you never say what you mean
Say what you mean oh say what you mean
Go back to Greenville just go on back to Greenville

You drink hard liquor you come on strong
You lose your temper someone looks at you wrong
Looks at you wrong oh looks at you wrong
Go back to Greenville just go on back to Greenville

Out all night playin in a band
Looking for a fight with a guitar in your hand
A guitar in your hand oh a guitar in your hand
Go back to Greenville just go on back to Greenville

Empty bottles and broken glass
Busted down doors and borrowed cash
Borrowed cash oh the borrowed cash
Go back to Greenville just go on back to Greenville

Looking for someone to save you
Looking for someone to rave about you
To rave about you oh to rave about you
Go back to Greenville just go on back to Greenville

Lucinda

Jack

Jack, a 15-pound orange and white cat, keeps a close vigil on his property, often chasing small animals, but his owners and neighbors say his latest escapade was surprising

religion

went riding this morning- long ride. met up with a couple of martin's friends and a couple of other guys he doesn't know. 7 guys total, including martin. i hadn't ever ridden the route we took- wasn't familiar with the roads or the other riders. but i just blended in and off we went through the canyons in formation. right off i figured two of the guys were lesser riders than me, which is comforting. a couple of the guys were very fast and the others tried to keep up. we rode for 6 hours with a couple of stops- gas, coffee and restrooms. about halfway through i was behind this guy, rick and his bmw, and he just blew a turn. keep in mind we're doing 60 in 30 mph turns and twisties all the way. he was lucky. it could have been a drop off or a rock wall but it was a dirt wall. a big cloud of dust went up as his front end hit and then the right side and i had to stop in a corner from 60mph with about 20 feet between us. shit. i couldn't tell if the bike was going to go sprawling across the road or what. somehow he held on to it and both he and the bike rebounded into the road in front of me and accross both lanes. in front of me because i had brought it down to about 10mph in a matter of feet, backend fishtailing. he was lucky. i was lucky.

Saturday and Sunday

I love the way the weekends come around
regularly
to remind me that I am a
passtime, a diversion
from the real stuff.

Don't get too full of yourself,
Missy. Do not mistake yourself for something
that matters.

That's what the weekends are for.

I think of a small dog on a rope tied to a stake in the front yard, running headlong to greet his master at the end of a long day. The master gets out of his car and calls to the dog as he walks up the front porch and just as he opens the door, the dog runs out of rope, his whole body continues in motion except his head which completely stops, forcing his body to fling through the air past his neck. Just as the dog falls to the ground, he hears the front door close.

Illegal

They took the truck up to Cheyenne
this morning. Been planning it for a week.
Wanted to beat the traffic
and the heat, and the rush,
but mostly I think they couldn't
wait any longer. Seven o'clock on a Saturday morning
and the boy said, "I don't need to watch my shows.
They're probably just re-runs. We can go now.
We can go when you're ready. Can I help you get ready?"
I told him he should eat some breakfast.
It's a long drive.

So, he got his money
out of the tin chest under his bed
and his sister gave him some money, too.
She likes those Lotus Blossoms.
And the guys got in the truck and they headed
for the state line, 'cuz the good firecrackers
are illegal here.

Yes I Am

I'M FREE
(M. Jagger/K. Richards)

I'm free to do what I want any old time
I'm free to do what I want any old time
So love me, hold me, love me, hold me
I'm free any old time to get what I want

I'm free to sing my song though it gets out of time
I'm free to sing my song though it gets out of time
So love me, hold me, love me, hold me
And I'm free any old time to get what I want

Love me, hold me, love me, hold me
But I'm free any old time to get what I want

I'm free to choose what I please any old time
I'm free to choose what I please any old time
So hold me, love me, love me, hold me
I'm free any old time to get what I want, yes I am

Get off of my cloud. (Hey! You!)

When I rolled my bike down the slope that is my drive way and started it up, I thought "It won't be long before I have to turn off the choke, so I better just stay here while it warms up." So I sat on the cement in the driveway and I spread out my leather jacket behind me. I lay back and lay down and I looked up at the sky for a moment before I closed my eyes and started to dream.

Like the way.

Thumb and index finger held together
for a cigarette-
hand falling carelessly
off an edge
of wrist.
Swell at the base of your thumb
(Show me your life line.
Does it stretch like a bracelet
around your wrist?)
rising up like your chest when you breathe
hard.
Hard like the way you're kissing me.
(Please stop)
Hard like the way you're leaving me.
(I need to go)
Hard like the way back home.
(Not home)

Now.

What's under there?
Thick, dark,
I peel it back just
a little. What's under there?
Too soon and too late,
moisture first
and then, a bubble,
deep purple drops swell
and leak out. I press it
back down.
Too late,
too late
too soon
and too late.

Alive

Love is alive:
a tiny trickle, pooling up
to a glistening jewel,
ruby red and plump-
ready to be plucked from
the slivery vine on the inside
of my arm.

For the benefit of my loyal readers:

The Wapello County Courthouse is located just north of Central Park on the northwest corner of Fourth and Court Streets. Built on the site of the original Wapello County courthouse, it was designed by architects Foster and Liebbe in the Richardson Romanesque style --one of the more popular styles for courthouses of the time -- using rusticated stone. A statue of Wapello, the Fox chief for whom the county is named, looks out into the river valley from atop a front gable.The Wapello County Courthouse is listed on the National Register of Historic Places.

The next stop on the tour is the Wapello County Jail.












and then: The next stop on the tour is the Lester Jay Funeral Home.

It's all fun and games...

"I know this hasn't ended well for you, but I still think we had fun."

from Bad Cat by Jim Edgar

where were you?

old crow medicine show
so this is where i was last night.
check out "gospel plow"

what a fucking pain in the ass

but i wish i would have been here:

24 hours

this is where i woke up this morning. to the left is the room i slept in and to the right is the lake that slept outside my room. grand lake-spirit lake. one lake with both names. it is the largest natural lake in colorado. it lies over the continental divide from where i live.

i rode over trail ridge road- through rocky mountain national park- to get there. it is a spectacular ride which takes you up over two miles high, through twists and turns, switchbacks and cuts. sheer cliff on one side or both and a narrow two lane road full of hazards:
elk
deer
big horn sheep
rocks
permafrosted pavement
motor homes
tour buses
tourists posing for pictures

it is beautiful, though.
just me and the Z.

it's not the distance as much as the elevation that takes you away.